


Losing Dogs

by irlremuslupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:13:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29309382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlremuslupin/pseuds/irlremuslupin
Summary: Remus is a part time English Lit PA with a love for Sylvia Plath, Sirius is a struggling musician with a love for Remus.Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5byYyGC9JHR2BdpuHU1p7Q
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 3





	1. A birthday Lily

_There's a party and we're all going_

_And we're all growing up_

_Somebody's driving and he will be drinking_

_And no one's going back_

January 30 2019

 **Prongs:** be over at 8?

 **Pads:** yep :) gonna call Lils to wish her happy birthday

 **Prongs:** she'll love you forever. grab booze on your way over tonight? we've got beer and thats like... it

 **Pads:** is Lily planning on making that god awful jungle juice with what i bring over ??

 **Prongs:**.....

 **Pads:** shes going to give me alcohol poisoning one of these days

 **Prongs:** if we did karaoke on the TV would you sing for us?

 **Pads:** you know i'll never pass up an opportunity for all eyes to be on me ;)

 **Prongs:** twat

 **Pads:** dickhead

 **Prongs:** love you

 **Pads:** love you too

Sirius laid looking up at his ceiling. He had only just moved away from Lily and James, but he still felt like they were living worlds apart. Although, they were quite literally living in the same building. Sirius had put an offer down for the place at the top. He liked being up high in the building, the Cartwright Garden. He had a skylight in his room, and there was easy access to the roof. There was just enough room for him. He had his bedroom and his own bathroom, there was a guest room that he had already started to turn into a home studio, the living room was big and open. It was right next to the kitchen, behind the couch there was a large doorway that led into the spacious dining room. There was a nice balcony too. It was perfect.

He had only decided to move because James confessed that he was going to propose this year. Sirius couldn't- he didn't want to- be any more of an intrusion. James had been so giving to him, ever since he ran away from home at 16. James and his parents took Sirius in, without even batting an eye. Lily was the same. She was kind and giving and funny and so beautiful and turning 24 today.

Sirius rolled over on to his stomach, twirling the blankets around himself. He dialed Lily's number and decided to get up while they talked.

"Morning beautiful," Lily's honey voice chimed through the phone.

"Happy birthday," Sirius smiled, stretching.

"Happy birthday to me," Lily said in a sing-song tone.

"Heading to work?" Sirius asked. Lily was a professors assistant at London University. The apartment location she picked with James was perfect. She could walk to work every day, and they weren't far from Russell square, which was lovely.

"Yeah I've got three lectures to sit through today, and of course those grant proposals I'm writing. Being a PA is mostly rubbish, I can't wait until I can _actually_ teach a class."

"How could you possibly be excited to be a professor in _Post Colonial Literature_?" Sirius laughed, walking into the kitchen to make something to eat.

"Oh don't start Mr 'I'm Minoring In Music History'" Lily giggled.

"That is much more interesting," Sirius smiled, setting his phone down and putting it on speaker. He moved about the kitchen collecting what he needed for toast.

"Listen, I've just got to the Student Centre. See you at 8, yeah?" Sirius could hear Lily's grin through the phone.

"See you then Lils, Happy Birthday."

"Love you."

When Sirius had first met Lily, he had hated her. They met when they were thirteen at their Prep-Schools dance. James and Sirius went to a posh all-boys school, and Lily went to the neighboring one for girls. During secondary school, both schools held co-ed events to promote socialization (although Lily suggested that they were just teaching the girls how to find husbands, what with all the etiquette lessons and dress shopping). Sirius had hated Lily because James loved her, almost instantly.

Sirius was much better about it now, but when they were younger, his insecurities were in full swing. He was terrified that the people he loved would just up and leave him. There were so few people who did love him, so he really felt like he had to hold on tight. He thought that he was going to lose James to Lily. However, Lily didn't give into James' begging until they were 17, and she confirmed all of James suspicions when she did. They were soulmates. Sirius thought it would be hard when James finally got Lily to go out with him, but it wasn't that different. Soon, Lily grew to be family the way James was. She introduced them to her friends Marlene and Dorcas. She was the first person Sirius came out to. She told Sirius that she loved James before she could even say it to him. She held Sirius while he cried over Reggie- nope not now.

Sirius scoffed the last bit of his toast and pulled out his phone to make a list. It was always good to make a list. Sirius Black 5 years ago wouldn't have agreed but that was none the matter.

 _Okay_ , Sirius thought to himself, _First, I've got to call that Bar again to try and set up that gig for next month, then I've got to go pick up those balloons like James asked me to yesterday_. Sirius was quickly typing away, creating a list in his notes app. _Then I've got to head to the store to get booze- lots of it- maybe grab some crisps or something. James will probably only serve health foods. Then I've got to come back here, shower, get dressed, do my hair. Then I've got to head down stairs to their apartment._

Sirius checked the clock, it was just passed noon, so he had plenty of time.

***

Sirius propped the grocery bag on to his hip while he struggled to get his key in the door. He eventually gave up and set the bag down to properly unlock the door, it was much too complicated to try to hold the brown paper bag, the balloons, and get the door open all at once. After he had managed to stumble into his flat, he set the bag of liquor and snacks down, and then he tied the balloons to one of the chairs in the dining room.

It was 6 pm- plenty of time for Sirius to get ready. He thought he should start with a shower, so he did just that.

He connected his phone to his speaker and plugged it into his charger on his bedside table. _David Bowie_ played loudly through the house as Sirius pulled his shirt and trousers off, going to turn the shower on. He had enough money left in inheritance from his dead uncle that he was able to get quite a nice flat, a flat with a big enough bathroom to fit both a free standing tub, and a glass shower. The heat of the water fogged up the room as Sirius finally slipped in, clicking the shower door shut.

He let the water poor over his body, warming his skin and allowing him to relax. Turning around, he let the water run over his head, wetting his hair. Sirius had always been overly conscious and protective of his hair. He had always kept his hair fairly long. It fell in soft waves and swooped around his face, laying just above his shoulders. He had tried growing it out when he was younger, and succeeded for some time, but in year three, his mother cut all his hair off with ragged kitchen scissors- as a way of punishing him.

After that- evil as she was- she didn't bother him about his hair. She seemed to have given up on ever getting him to fit to her standards. That was more than fine by Sirius. He never wanted to meet his mothers expectations. His parents were much too conservative and far too homophobic. He hadn't even really come out to them, ran away before he had to. They were all just _too much_. 

Sirius wiped the suds from his eyes and turned the shower off. _Christ_ , he was getting way too existential. It had been like this since Reggie died right after James Parents had- and the break up with Peter who then tried to frame Sirius for some complicated academic integrity mess that almost got him and James both kicked out of University. It had been a rough year, and Sirius knew he was letting it get to his head. But tonight was not the night for one of his episodes, so he stepped out of the glass shower and dried himself off. Sirius wrapped his towel around his waist and worked a quarter size amount of mousse in his hands. He quickly ran them through his hair, scrunching it to promote his waves.

 **Prongs:** ready to party :D

Sirius walked towards his bed at the sound of the notification.

 **Pads:** be ready in 60. ok if i come down early ??

 **Prongs:** of course

 **Pads:** who all is coming?

 **Prongs:** you, meadows, and marley ofc. some ppl from Lils work, other PA's. Gib and Fab. Lily's friend Mary from uni

 **Pads:** should be nice, love meeting new people.

 **Prongs:** lily just got back from work, gotta fit in a quickie before we have to start making food ;)

 **Pads:** plz do not give me the details about your sex life

 **Prongs:** you are just jealous that i get laid and you do not

 **Pads:** untrue. i get laid. hooked up with that bloke from that one bar, what? a week or two ago?

 **Prongs:** pads that was a month ago.

 **Pads:** im going to kill you

 **Prongs:** lily will protect me

Sirius set his phone back down and began to get ready. It was a party, there would be drinks and people. He had to dress to impress- whom he was impressing Sirius didn't know. But, he wanted people to see him, as he often did. He wanted to wear something to draw enough attention to himself, without subtracting any from Lily. He settled for a pair of faux leather pants, they were just a bit loose and fit him well. He pulled on a tight, cropped, brown, long sleeved top. He was careful not to mess up his hair as he pulled it over his head. Sirius hummed along to _Rebel_ _Rebel_ as he squeezed into his pants. He walked over to his dresser and withdrew his silver necklaces, as well as a pearl one he stole from his grandmother years ago. He slipped on his rings and walked out into the living room.

It was quarter til, which means he wouldn't be too early to James and Lily's. He checked that he had all his necessary party items (phone, wallet, Marlboro reds, lighter, ibuprofen), grabbed the balloons and groceries, and headed out of his apartment down to the fifth floor.

The door of the lift opened with a chime and he stepped into the hallway outside of Lily and James' apartment. He pushed the door open and stepped into their airy flat. Lily had clearly done all of the decor, although Sirius did help a bit. There was a bright teal couch and a vintage mid-century coffee table. The TV was mounted on the wall across from the couch, placed above an oak buffet. The dining room had a beautiful, unique, light fixture over a dark wood table that was currently covered in all sorts of assortments. The kitchen had sage green cabinets, a light grey backsplash, and a nice, clean, white tile floor.

"Honey I'm home!" Sirius called out, setting his bag on to the kitchen counter.

"The light of my life!" James called, rushing out of his bedroom. He had a lose and unbuttoned dress shirt over his white tee, which he was quickly tucking into his pleated pants. James brought Sirius into a tight hug. They had seen each other the day before, but it was easily just as hard for James to get used to Sirius' new absence. James had always struggled a bit with boundaries when it came to Sirius. "How's my outfit?"

James backed away from Sirius so he could get a proper look at him. "Change the shoes," Sirius said pointedly. "Black sneakers is too much, go with white instead."

"You're the best," James smiled, planting a kiss on Sirius' cheek. "Brought the liquor?" James asked, taking the bundle of balloons that were still in Sirius' hand.

"Yep just over there." Sirius motioned to the counter, walking towards the fridge to grab a beer.

"You better have brought it," Lily smiled.

Sirius looked up and his mouth fell open. "Lils... if I weren't gay and you weren't dating James, you bet your fat arse I'd shag you senseless." 

Lily's chuckled and she brought Sirius into a tight hug. "Oh you flatter me." She kissed him on the cheek, "But aren't I just dashing."

She was wearing a loose flowing green top with a tight fitting leather mini skirt. She had a pair of fish-net tights on and heels. Lily was, as always, stunning.

"People should be arriving soon. I've got to make the punch real quick. Here take these to the dining room," Lily began to unpack the liquor and crisps that Sirius brought. She gave James a few small tasks after he finished the last of the decorations. Sirius was turning on the music as the first guests knocked on the door.

Lily rushed over to greet Marlene and Dorcas. Dorcas practically jumped into Lily's arms. Marlene following suit. They moved into the apartment and Sirius gave hugs to his friends. It had been awhile since they had all been back in one place together. He knew it was a bit silly to miss Uni, but he did. He missed the raging parties and the carelessness that did not accompany adulthood. Marlene was the only one who was still in school, finishing her nursing degree. 

"So, Marley, how's school?" Sirius asked taking a sip from his beer. Other people had started to arrive. Gideon and Fabian arrived not long after Marlene and Dorcas. Both of their girlfriends came as well. Lily's PA friend Alice had come with her husband Frank. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves as the apartment began to fill with words and loud music as more people arrived. Sirius barely even recognized half of them.

"Oh school as been great," Marlene said with a smile. "Stressful, really, but still great. On track to be a doctor in the next five years."

"That's wonderful," Sirius smiled, although he was getting quite bored with small talk already. Before the conversation had to continue, Lily pulled the two of them out towards the living room to dance. James was red faced and smiling when Sirius joined them.

The music was loud and Sirius was smiling widely as he danced messily with his friends. He could barely hear himself singing along to the music as he jumped up and down to the fast beat. He was sweaty and starting to feel Lily's punch. He had only had one cup but bloody hell, that stuff was strong. The people that Sirius didn't recognized must have been PA's and possibly even some students that Lily had befriended. She had a knack for that- making fast friends. The bodies filled the small space of Lily and James' flat. Sirius had taken the liking of a tall handsome bloke. He had short dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes. Sirius hadn't heard his name because of the music, but he didn't care as they danced closely.

"Black! Potter!" Lily yelled over the noise. "Shots?"

"Of course!" Sirius smiled, dragging Lily into the kitchen and grabbing three plastic shot glasses from the make shift bar. "Having a good birthday Lils?"

"Splendid," Lily grinned, catching her breath. She reached out and grabbed the shot of Titos that Sirius had poured.

"One!" James yelled.

"Two!"

"Three!"

Down the hatch, it stung hard against Sirius' throat and he shook his head in shock. "WOO!"

"Oh Remus is here!" Lily said loudly, running towards the door. Sirius' eyes followed Lily to the boy she had just mentioned. His stomach flipped when his gaze landed on- Remus- that's what Lily had called him. His hair was a sandy brown and curly, falling slightly into his eyes. His eyes, which were a beautiful green, looked intently into Lily's as they began a deep conversation. He had a gentle smile on his lips and he looked ruggedly handsome. There was something so carefree about him. Sirius had a feeling he would be nothing more than trouble, but hurried over to Lily anyway- James following along.

If Sirius had thought he was handsome from a far, it was nothing compared to how he looked up close. He was tall- he towered over Sirius and he had a thin, faded, sliver looking scar across his nose. There was a prominent fizzing in Sirius' stomach, the kind he got before preforming, and his neck grew hot as Remus extended a hand.

"Remus Lupin, nice to meet you," Remus said in a rich welsh accent. He shot a tight smile at Sirius and he took his hand. Remus' handshake was strong and his calloused fingers gripped on to Sirius' hand.

"Sirius Black," Sirius was trying to give off the normal confident persona that he held when perusing a romantic interest, but something about Remus quickly made him... flustered.

"Remus is an English PA just like me," Lily smiled widely, her red lipstick contrasting with her pale skin.

"Don't tell me you are getting a degree in _Post Colonial Literature_ like Lils," Sirius chuckled, trying to sound nonchalant.

"No, no," Remus was searching Sirius' face with his eyes, "I'm studying to get a doctorate in Shakespearean Studies."

"A man of culture I see," Sirius took a sip of his beer. _What? A man of culture? What was that?_

"I suppose," Remus was still looking directly at Sirius, trying to meet his eye.

"Lily you haven't introduced me yet!" James slurred. Bloody light weight. James pushed his way in between Sirius and the handsome Welshmen. James had a tendency to make himself known, Sirius adored him for it. Of course, James came in the nick of time and it gave Sirius a moment to process his racing thoughts. Remus was beautiful and Sirius was sure he had to make himself noticed by the end of the night. That usually worked with reserved blokes like Remus, they loved a man who would make a show of themselves. That's it, Sirius thought, he would make a show of himself. James had said that there was karaoke on the TV.

"Lily," Sirius reached for his friends hand. "Karaoke?"

"Absolutely," Lily smiled. "Remus? James? Anyone up for karaoke?"

"I'm fine," Remus smiled, "I want to grab a beer and settle in."

"Pads here promised he'd sing for me," James threw an arm around Sirius' neck. "Didn't you Pad's?"

"What shall it be, eh?" Sirius raised a brow at him.

"Something classic," James smiled. "Queen."

Sirius smiled back at his friend. A memory washed over him of blasting Queen in his dorm room with James. James had horrible music taste before Sirius. The worst, UK top 40. Sirius introduced James to the classics that his older cousin had shown him.

"Do my favorite will you Sirius?" Lily smiled. "It is my birthday."

"It is her birthday," James drunkenly parroted.

"As you wish," Sirius picked up the TV remote and switched the Karaoke program on, people began to gather around when the music stopped. Everyone turned to Sirius and his favorite feeling washed over him. The feeling before a gig. That fizzing feeling. James and Lily smiled dopely and found seats on the couch.

"Alright Sirius!" Dorcas shouted as he plugged the expensive microphone he had bought for James into the stereo system.

"Hello everyone," Sirius smiled looking up at the hopeful room. "Most of you know me and if you don't I'm Sirius, the hosts' best friend and former resident of this apartment. I am James Potter's personal rock star-" His remark earned a few chuckles from the crowd. "and per his request I'm up here to charm you all with a little Queen number. Happy Birthday Lily."

The simple piano refrain at the beginning of _Somebody to Love_ rang out and Sirius readied himself for the song.

_Each morning I get up I die a little_

_Can barely stand on my feet_

_Take a look in the mirror and cry_

_Lord what you do to me_

_I have spent all my years in believing you_

_But I just cant get no relief, Lord!_

_Somebody, oooh, somebody_

_Can anybody find me somebody to love?_

Sirius turned his head to the man entering into the living room. Remus had a beer in one hand, using the other he pushed his mop of curls out of his face. Sirius felt his heart beat quicken as Remus found his eyes. He didn't look away. Sirius brought the microphone back to his lips and mindlessly sang the lyrics and tones he knew by heart. He couldn't pull his eyes away from Remus, and Remus didn't look like he was going to be the first to break. His green eyes were intent on making Sirius squirm. It was now or never, Sirius thought to himself. This was his time to impress Remus, show him how fun and exciting he was. Everyone wants excitement, Sirius thought.

The guitar solo rang out and Sirius seized the moment to whip his hair around, drawing cheers and whoops from the crowd. James was slurring something about how _bloody sexy_ his best friend was. He mimicked _Brian May's_ guitar picking on his hip and looked back up at the crowd. He took a deep breathe, sinking to his knees as he prepared himself for the show stopper- a perfect belt.

_Oooh somebody!_

_Can anybody find meeee_

_Somebody to Loooooooooove!_

Sirius looked up and pushed his hair out of his eyes. Remus was looking down at his beer a slight grin on his lips but otherwise- unimpressed. Hmph. That was unusual. Most of the time any bloke loved that. James and Lily cheered loudly as Sirius rose back up to finish the song. Remus met his eyes, and turned, walking straight out of the living room. Sirius felt his stomach drop. _Oh_. That wasn't what he wanted. Why was Remus so disinterested?

Sirius gathered the last of his courage and finished the song. He had to find Remus.

People cheered and Sirius gave tight smiles to everyone and accepted the compliments, trying his hardest to get out of the living room and back into the kitchen where he thought Remus had wandered off to. He scooted past people standing in the dining room. He stepped on to the tiled floor of the kitchen and looked up to see- nothing. Remus wasn't there. _Shit_ Sirius though to himself, _Now you've gone and lost him_. He grabbed another beer from the kitchen counter and went back into the crowd, determined to find Remus. He couldn't have gone far.

He moved into the dining room, maybe Remus had gone to get food. That Alice girl from earlier was talking closely with her husband near the hummus and that blue eyed boy that Sirius had been dancing with was now in a flirty conversation with Lily's friend Mary. But Remus, he was no where to be found.

Sirius' eyes darted around the room, searching frantically for Remus. He couldn't have just disappeared. _God,_ He needed to get a grip on himself. _You don't even know him_ , Sirius scolded himself. He needed a smoke, he needed to level his head. Sirius turned for the balcony, the glass doors were on the far side of the dining room, and there he was. Standing in the night air, Remus was on the balcony. His face lit by the moonlight.

Sirius heart picked back up as he headed for the doors. This was it. This was the time to a make a move.

"Hey," Sirius stepped out on to the balcony. The cool January air hit his skin in a shocking contrast from the warmth of the party inside.

"Evening," Remus said, not looking up from his drink.

Sirius reached back into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. He placed one in his lips and extended the pack to Remus. "Smoke?"

"Cheers," Remus took a cigarette a took it in his own lips. He reached back into his pocket and pulled out a match box. "Here."

Sirius leaned forward and Remus struck a match, cupping a hand around it as he lit Sirius' cigarette and then his own. "You don't use lighter?" Sirius raised a brow.

"Nope," Remus turned to look at Sirius for the first time since he stepped on to the balcony. His eyes bounced around Sirius' face like he was trying to figure him out. "You always preform at parties?"

"Only for James," Sirius joked. Remus smiled slightly. "Most of the time I preform professionally. Well I wouldn't call it professional per say. Just bar's or coffee shops. Small stuff. I have a small following on Spotify but that's it really. No record label yet. Hopefully someday, but not yet." _Wow. That was a lot of talking._

"That's nice." Remus looked away.

 _That's nice?_ What does that mean? Maybe he wasn't interested. Maybe he was straight. But he was wearing corduroys. _Cuffed_ corduroys. "Are you always this quiet?" Sirius asked, trying to put his confident and direct persona back on.

Remus turned to him, his brow furrowed. "Depends on if I like you or not," Remus said slowly. _Great,_ Sirius thought to himself, _I've already mucked it all up_.

"Oh," Sirius looked out at the starry sky.

"Do you always draw this much attention to yourself?" Remus took a drag from his cigarette.

Sirius felt his mouth fall open, and he closed it quickly. "Depends on if I like you or not."

"Hmph," Remus smiled. Ok, so he liked sarcasm. Sirius could do sarcasm.

"So your Welsh," Sirius tried. Ugh, he could talk for hours with anyone, why was it so hard for him to talk when it came to handsome men. Especially well dressed handsome men. Well dressed handsome men with green eyes and perfect curls and a permanent smirk.

Remus snorted, " _So your Welsh?_ " He mocked, "You're very observant. Yes I'm Welsh. Well my dad is."

 _Okay this is good_ , Sirius thought, _we're getting somewhere_.

"But my Mum's from Essex," Remus continued. "I didn't move to Wales until I was five. What about you? Where are you from Sirius Black?" Remus had turned back to meet Sirius' eyes and he let him, holding on to the funny look that Remus gave him. His lips were curled slightly up, pure sarcasm. Sirius liked the way Remus said his name; long and drawn out.

"My parents are both from Oxfordshire, very posh, but I grew up in Inslington."

Remus smiled, "See I'm not always quiet."

"And I'm not always loud," Sirius smiled back.

"Hmm," Remus hummed and took another drag from his cigarette. "How long have you known James?"

"Forever," Sirius replied. He wanted Remus to look at him again, try to figure him out. He didn't want to give Remus all the answers, he wanted him to draw them out of him. "We went to school together."

"That's nice," Remus turned back to Sirius again. His eyes flicked between his eyes and his lips.

"Yeah it is," Sirius said turning to fully face Remus. "He's like a brother to me."

"Lily has told me a lot about him. He seems great," Remus smiled and looked away. Sirius sighed internally. He inched closer to Remus, he needed to make his move.

"Yeah, he's uh great," Sirius licked his lips apprehensively as Remus turned back to him. He was going to do it, Sirius assured himself, he was going to kiss the handsome bloke in front of him before he ran off again.

 _Ping._ Remus looked away as he pulled out his phone. "Shit," He said under his breath. "Shit, shit, fuck."

"Is everything alright?" Sirius tried to get Remus to meet his eyes again.

"Yeah, yeah everything is fine I just forgot to," Remus looked at Sirius, an apologetic look in his eyes, "I forgot to pick up my girlfriend from the airport." _Boom_. There it was. Like a train, hitting Sirius, running him over. Remus had a girlfriend. Fucking hell. "It was great meeting you Sirius, I've got to rush off."

"Oh," Sirius watched as Remus hurried back into the apartment. "It was nice meeting you too."

Well. That was that then. Remus was a lost cause. Why did Sirius always want the man who was a lost cause.

_And I want a love that falls as fast as a body from the balcony_

_And I want a kiss like my heart is hitting the ground_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song at the beginning and end is Townie by Mitski


	2. Girlfriends and Sylvia Plath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: ambiguous mention of teen suicide

_If you're going, take the train_

_So I can hear it rumble, one last rumble_

_And when you go, take this heart_

_I'll make no more use of it when there's no more you_

February 2 2019

Since Lily's party, Sirius had tried to forget Remus. His dashing style and the way he had studied Sirius were cemented into his brain. But, Sirius knew that it was all wishful thinking. Remus was only a work friend of Lily, he probably wouldn't see him until her birthday next year. By then, maybe he would be dating someone, a posh man who spoke French. That would be nice. Sirius took another bite of his sandwich and felt the cold of his tiled kitchen floor on his feet. He was getting lonely, and he knew it. Maybe it was time for him to find someone, and stop getting hung up on quiet mysterious strangers. Sirius felt the vibration of his phone in his pocket.

"Hey," Sirius said to James through a mouthful of white bread.

"Padfoot!" James exclaimed Sirius' silly nickname. They had come up with the names in second year, they thought they were rather clever for it. Sirius was Padfoot like a dog, a black dog, just like his favorite Led Zeppelin song and his raven hair. "I am so happy you picked up."

"Well I am so happy you called," Sirius smiled into his words.

"Lils is hosting this poetry thing tonight if you want to come," Sirius could picture James running his hand through his hair while he spoke. "It's at that book shop in Soho, ya know, Watkins."

"Yeah I can come," Sirius sighed at the idea of having to listen to people read poetry for an hour or two. "Not saying I'll enjoy it, but anything for Lily."

"I'm not exactly thrilled either mate, but Lily is really excited."

"So what time should I be there then?" Sirius asked, walking towards his fridge to see what he needed to grab from the grocers.

"8 pm, the actual readings start at half-past, but it's always good to be early."

"Ok, I'll see you then."

"Alrighty, love you."

"Love you too."

Sirius looked to the clock above his oven, it read _2:00_. It was a perfect time to run to the grocery store before rush hour. He grabbed his keys off kitchen counter and headed out of the door. The grocery store wasn't too far, it was walking distance really, but the harsh February air made the walk completely unbearable. So Sirius elected to take the bus. He chose a seat towards the back where it was warmest. It would be nice to go to Lily's poetry thing, although he didn't exactly fancy the idea of listening to people read nonsense, it would be nice to get out of the house. _Christ,_ Sirius thought to himself, _I'm supposed to be fun. Not boring. I'm not supposed to find poetry readings exciting._

Sirius was always trying to fit into what he was supposed to be. He had not thought about the kind of person he wanted to be in a long time. The last time he did, was when he came out. He wanted to be someone who was proud of themselves, didn't hide anything. It was really his parents fault that he was like this. He tried not to blame them for it all, some of it had to be his own doing, but it was so easy to make someone else responsible. He wished that Reggie had not been so keen on obeying them. Maybe, _maybe,_ if Sirius had tried harder, listened to the signs more, Reg wouldn't have felt the need to do what he did. Maybe Sirius could have helped Regulus to be proud of who he was. Maybe Sirius could have helped Regulus if he had not freaked out about the James situation.

It was easily just as hard on James when Regulus died. The two of them had sort of a _thing_ in James' fifth year, but it was short lived after Sirius found out. Sirius was upset that James had not told him, that his best friend was hooking up with- dating his little brother. Regulus had thought Sirius was upset about something completely different, about Regulus being- well Sirius didn't know what Regulus was, he never got a chance to ask.

The bus came to a stop down the street from the grocery store and Sirius climbed out on to the sidewalk. His leather peacoat did not supply much warmth, but Sirius thought that at least he looked cool. His docs clicked against the pavement as he made his way to the grocers.

This was the first time Sirius had gone shopping for himself since moving into his own flat. Lily and James had always gotten the grocery's when he lived with them. But Sirius was trying to be independent now. He didn't want to be a useless posh boy. The rows of colorful packaging stared Sirius down with much more fury than he had anticipated. He grabbed a cart and began to make his way through the aisles.

He hadn't gotten Lily a birthday gift, maybe he should get her a bottle of wine. Sirius grabbed two bags of crisps and set them into his cart. Lily loved wine, and she would definitely appreciate it. He could give it to her tonight. Sirius grabbed some pasta from a self. He wondered if Lily would read any poetry, he would definitely listen if she did. Lily had a nice way of speaking, like honey or sunlight. Sirius headed towards the liquor section where he had been just a few days prior, he had stopped for Lily's party, the party where he saw Remus. Sirius sighed internally for allowing himself to think back to Remus again, someone who he didn't really know. Well Sirius did know some things about him. He was Welsh, but his mother was from Essex, and he was very selective about who he spoke to, and he had chosen Sirius, that had to have meant something. But it didn't matter, Sirius reminded himself. Remus was in a relationship, said so himself.

Sirius mindlessly walked towards the wine isle. Lily would want something nice, a real wine snob that one. Sirius thought it was rather endearing that she had favorite wines, he thought they all tasted the same. Sirius reached out for the last _Chateau La Fleur Coterie_ but someone reached for it at the same time as him. Calloused fingers brushed against his.

"Oh I'm sorry," Sirius looked up and his stomach dropped so deep into himself he thought he was going to be sick.

"Sirius," Remus was standing in front of him with a smirk playing on his lips. Sirius was completely awestruck. What a fucking cliche. "It's good to see you again."

Sirius blinked a few times, unsure of how to respond. He had just been thinking of Remus moments before and he happened to reach for the same bottle of wine as him. "Uh- yeah, yeah it's good to see you too. Were you in the neighborhood or..."

"Oh, yeah, I was just stopping to grab a few groceries after work." Remus was trying to make eye contact with Sirius again, like he had on Lily's birthday. What was it with him and trying to get Sirius as uncomfortable as possible? "Are you g-"

"Remus?"

Sirius looked towards the voice. A young girl came over to them, her hair was dyed bright purple and she had a silver eyebrow piercing. But she was young, very young. The girl who reached for Remus' hands couldn't have been more than 18.

"Sorry Dora, this is Sirius," Remus turned to his girlfriend, reluctantly taking her hand in his. Sirius' heart ached.

"Pleasure to meet you," the girl- Dora- gave a small wave to Sirius.

"Nice to meet you too," Sirius looked to Remus who was now no longer trying to meet Sirius' eyes, it seemed more like he actively avoiding looking in Sirius' direction.

"Rem, we've got to get going," Dora began to pull Remus away from Sirius.

"I'll just be a moment I wanted to talk to Sirius about-"

"Remus. Now," Dora gave Remus a stern look that Sirius had only seen from mothers- not his mother of course, her's was cold and hard. But he had seen it, from James mom for example. Whenever James would talk back, or not listen. Remus sort of tensed up a bit. Sirius theorized that Dora was probably still upset about Remus forgetting her at the airport. He silently told himself that Remus had forgotten because he was too focused on Sirius.

"It was good running into you Sirius," Remus gave a tight smile in Sirius' direction. He was pulled away by his girlfriend, who tripped a bit as they walked away.

Sirius didn't really know how to respond to what had just happened. Remus was clearly unhappy with his girlfriend but it was really none of his business, Sirius knew that. He stood stupidly in the middle of the wine isle before grabbing his wet heart off of the floor, heading towards the front of the store to check out, completely forgetting the wine that he had come for.

***

Sirius stepped into the book shop and was nearly tackled into a hug by James. Sirius felt peoples heads turn to them, it was completely inappropriate for a book store but Sirius smiled into his friends shoulder. When he pulled away, Lily was on James side.

"I'm so glad you could come Sirius," Lily said, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"Anything for you Lils."

Lily guided Sirius to the back of the store where there was a small stage and a few rows of wooden chairs. Sirius could see Marlene's blonde waves over the back of her chair in the front row. Sirius squeezed past a few cool looking English students on his way over to Marlene.

"Marley," Sirius gave her a quick hug. "Where's Dorcas?"

"She couldn't make it," Marlene gave a bit of a frown. "She had work. But it's good to see you darling. You look very dashing tonight."

"Don't I always?" Sirius grinned one of his show-stopping grins at her.

"Oh very," Marlene smiled back at him. "If we weren't a pair of _raging_ queers, I would take you right here right now Mr Black."

Sirius laughed loudly at Marlene. "I like Mr Black," Sirius smirked. "Maybe people should start calling me that more often."

"Maybe they should. Mr Black."

Sirius spun around and he felt that fizzing in his stomach again. Remus was here- of course he was. He seemed to be everywhere Sirius went now. Where was the enigmatic man all his life?

"Remus," Sirius smiled, but then tried to hide it.

"You just can't seem to get rid of me, can you?" Remus was meeting Sirius' eyes again, staring deeply into him, like Remus was saving every moment.

"No, I don't think I can," Sirius tried playing into that sarcasm that he knew Remus liked.

"Let's find a seat, eh?" Remus gestured towards the rows of seats that were just behind them. Sirius found his way to the other side of Marlene, Remus following behind him. Marlene mouthed a silent _Oh my God_ at Sirius, which he replied to with a harsh eye roll. He settled in and turned to Lily who was smiling at the crowd from the microphone on stage.

"Hi guys," She gave a toothy grin. "Welcome to _A Night at the Watkins_. I am so happy to be presenting a little collection of poets. Some of this work is original and some of it is recited, but I hope you all enjoy. We've got some wonderful voices that will be up on this stage tonight. There are refreshments to the back of the room, and the bathrooms are upstairs on the right. First up is the beautiful, multi-talented, Mary MacDonald."

Sirius watched as a beautiful woman with dark skin stood up at the microphone. Sirius had talked to her a few times, at parties and other gatherings for Lily. Her brown curls framed her face and billowed down on to her shoulders. She took a deep breath as she started her poem. Sirius would have payed attention to the words, but he was much more distracted by the sudden movement of Remus' hand moving from his lap to the back of Sirius' chair. He didn't wrap his arm around Sirius, just placed his hand on the side of the chair closest to himself. It felt intimate to Sirius, intimate for strangers.

Remus began to drum his fingers on to the wood backing of the chair and Sirius' heart beat quickened. He could hear it in his ears. The heart beat and the drumming and the strong voice of poetry. Sirius could only hear those three things as other people in the room left their seats and took the stage. The heart beat and the drumming and the strong voice of poetry. And then the heart beat grew louder as Remus let his arm fully extend of the back of Sirius' chair, he practically had his arm around Sirius. And then the heart beat was the loudest and the faint drumming and the even fainter strong voice of poetry.

Sirius heart beat pounded in his ears. It was such a small gesture, Sirius was sure Remus didn't mean anything by it, but he still needed to get something to drink. Sirius was giddy and his throat was dry. As the youngest poet to preform left the stage Sirius stood and walked to the back of the room to the refreshment table. He picked up a small plastic cup and flipped the tap of the water jug, filling his cup. Lime and cucumber slices floated around in the water jug. Sirius laughed to himself internally. Of course there would be cucumber water at the poetry reading.

"Alright," Lily's voice ran through the microphone. "We've got one more poet up tonight. Everyone, here is the lovely Remus Lupin."

Sirius choked a little on his drink and quickly spun around to look and Remus. He was sitting his lanky figure into a stool, right in front of the microphone. Remus met Sirius' eyes and smiled. Sirius knew he must have looked a bit odd, like he'd got the wind knocked out of him or something.

"Lily told us tonight's theme was love," Remus breathed in, "so I am here to recite one of my favorite poems about love. This is _Mad Girl's Love Song_ by Sylvia Plath."

Sirius looked intently at Remus and felt a pull in his chest. Remus met his eyes and kept them there.

_"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;_

_I lift my lids and all is born again._

_I think I made you up inside my head."_

Remus darted his tongue out of his mouth to wet his lips, not breaking his eyes away from Sirius. Sirius just kept looking back. He traced every part of Remus with his gaze, trying to take it all in.

_"The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,_

_And arbitrary blackness gallops in:_

_I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead._

_I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed_

_And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane._

_I think I made you up inside my head."_

Remus wouldn't look away and Sirius felt an old, distant, warmth fill him chest.

_"God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:_

_Exit seraphim and Satan's men:_

_I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead._

_I fancied you'd return the way you said,_

_But I grow old and I forget your name_

_I think I made you up inside my head._

_I should have loved a thunderbird instead;_

_At least when spring comes they roar back again._

_I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead._

_I think I made you up inside my head."_

Sirius was pulled out of his daze when Remus stood from his stool. Lily rubbed him on the back before taking his place in front of the microphone. She began to say something to the crowd about how appreciative she was for all of the support, but Sirius was too busy watching Remus to hear what Lily was saying. His stomach fluttered and flipped as Remus made his way towards Sirius. He could have taken his seat again, but instead Remus was set on walking straight to Sirius.

Sirius' heart beat pumped in his ears as Remus stood, towering over him.

"Thirsty?" Remus asked.

"Huh? Oh, uh, yes. Well I was- I'm not anymore. I got myself water. Do you need water? I can- no you know where the water is," Sirius stopped talking before his rambling could become any more embarrassing. Remus just smirked.

"Are you a fan of Sylvia Plath?" Remus reached around Sirius and took a cookie from the snack table.

"I haven't uh," Sirius knew that Remus probably thought he was totally boring for not knowing who Sylvia Plath was, "I haven't read any of her work." Sirius raised his glass of water to his lips, hoping to relieve his prominently dry throat.

"Seemed pretty interested in her work when I was up there."

Sirius had to try to not choke. He felt his ears pink as he tried to find a good response, one that didn't show Remus just how flustered he was. "I suppose things are more interesting when they come from your mouth."

A rosey blush washed over Remus' cheeks and ears. Sirius smiled inwardly at the small victory, "So where's the girlfriend?"

Remus cleared his throat, "She, uh, couldn't make it."

"Shame," Sirius said. "She seemed so lovely when I ran into you two at the grocer's."

"Yeah," Remus chuckled a bit awkwardly. "Sorry about that, mate."

"Oh, no, don't be sorry. I was just joking," Sirius looked away, aware of the sudden tenseness.

"So," Remus started again, "Sylvia Plath. They have some of her poetry collections here, if you want any recommendations."

"Yeah, sure," Sirius smiled. 

Remus motioned for Sirius to follow him and they made their way up the book shops old winding staircase. They were silent as they walked, a comfortable sort of silence that Sirius had never experienced before. He was so used to filling the talking space. The upstairs of the book shop was a maze of shelves. Remus seemed to be familiar with it because he led Sirius effortlessly to the back of the room. There was a small collection of books with a light pink sign above them that read _poetry._

Remus ran his fingers along the spines of the book until he finally pulled out a thin, paper back book. He held it out to Sirius with a smile.

" _The Colossus and Other Poems_. It's Sylvia's first collection of works, a good place to start."

Sirius took the book in his hands, "Thanks, although I have to admit, I've never really been one for poetry."

"Aren't you a musician? Don't you write you're own music?" Remus was looking at Sirius with a questioning brow raised. "That's much like poetry"

"I suppose," Sirius said. "I've never thought of it that way. I'm just writing down what I feel or what I think, nothing formal about it."

"That's what poetry is," Remus said, stepping a bit closer to Sirius. "It's all emotion. Saying how you feel. I think that's what makes poetry so appealing. It's often very hard to say what we feel, don't you think?"

Sirius swallowed, aware of their sudden closeness, "Oh, I don't know. Sometimes it is easy to say what you feel, if you really really feel it."

Remus smiled softly. He looked like he was going to say something else, instead he jumped back as his phone began to ring. "I'm so sorry, I have to go. Until next time Sirius."

"Until next time," Sirius called after Remus as he hurried away, pulling his phone up to his ear.

"Hey!" James appeared out of no where, making Sirius jump.

"Jesus christ," Sirius pressed a hand to his chest "You scared me."

"So whats going on with you and Remus," James smiled.

"Nothing;s going on with me and Remus," Sirius looked at James. "He was just picking a book out for me."

"You don't read," James laughed.

"I do too!" Sirius protested, shoving James shoulder.

"Sirius I haven't seen you voluntarily read a book since third year!" James was talking way too loudly for a book store.

"Okay well maybe I want to start reading again," Sirius suggested.

"Yes of course," James raised a playful eyebrow. "And it has nothing to do with the handsome and mysterious and frankly not your type at all English major who just made eyes at you while reading a love poem."

"No, it _clearly_ has nothing to do with that," Sirius snorted. "But he has a girlfriend, so nothing is going to happen between us."

"Never underestimate destiny, my friend," James swung a strong arm around Sirius. "Never underestimate destiny"

***

February 7 2019

Sirius pulled his sweatpants on and walked over to his bed. He pulled the cool sheet over his body, settling in for bed. He lit a cigarette and brought it to his lips. It had been almost a week since Sirius had his moment with Remus in the book store, if you would even call that a moment. He noticed he was thinking of Remus far less, it was quite easy to get over a crush when you never have to speak to them. Sirius had even though about downloading a dating app, much to James' dismay. James believed that everyone was set for the same love story he had. Meet, pine, fall in love, live happily ever after. Sirius had none such luck. He had dated around, but it was hard to move on from a committed relationship that ended on bad terms.

Although Sirius was trying to encourage himself from not thinking of Remus, he had started reading Sylvia Plath's book. He would spend the evenings with his bed side lamp on, a highlighter in his hand, marking every line that stood out to him or ones that he thought Remus- or some future love, would like. He liked _Faun_ because it reminded him of James and his ridiculous deer-inspired nickname. Sirius liked that so many of her poems mentioned the moon and the stars, he grew up being obsessed with space, mostly because of his name sake. But, Sylvia mentioned the moon in all of his favorite poems so far. 

Sirius heard the buzz of his phone and reached over to his bedside table. James was probably trying to get him to go out for drinks or to dinner.

 **Unknown** **:** have you read any of the book yet?

Sirius' throat hitched.

 **Sirius:** hi who is this?

 **Unknown:** oh sry its remus :)

Sirius set his phone down in his lap for a moment and collected himself. Remus was reaching out. Wow.

 **Sirius:** oh hi! howd you get my number?

 **Remus:** got it from lily. so? did you read any

 **Sirius:** oh yeah ive started reading

 **Remus:** thoughts ??

 **Sirius:** yeah i like it. you were right, its a lot like song lyrics

 **Remus:** told you so

 **Sirius:** haha yeah

Sirius set his phone back down. He didn't want the conversation to end there, he had to come up with something better to say. Luckily, he didn't have to.

 **Remus:** whats ur favorite so far

 **Sirius:** lorelei fs and faun

 **Remus:** those are good choices

 **Sirius:** how about u

 **Remus:** moonrise easily. i think its my favorite of her poems

 **Sirius:** i haven't gotten that far, i'll tell you when i do

 **Remus:** plz do

Sirius drummed his fingers in the air over his phone, trying to come up with something to say. He didn't want to conversation to end so early.

 **Sirius:** i liked hearing you read poetry. do you do that often?

 **Remus:** no no its normally way out of my comfort zone but lily convinced me to preform yesterday

 **Sirius:** well im glad she did

There were three dots, signaling that Remus was typing but then they disappeared. Sirius sat staring at his phone, waiting for Remus to respond. He breathed in a few times and the three dots appeared again, before stopping and finally Remus' message appeared.

 **Remus:** you should stop by the library sometime during my lunch break. im always there, i can give you some more recs and maybe you can show me some of your music that isnt poetry

Sirius smiled stupidly.

 **Sirius:** that sounds great i'll definitely pop in

 **Remus:** great. well ive got an early morning tmrw so i'll ttyl

 **Sirius:** alright night then

 **Remus:** night

Sirius clicked his phone off and reached over to set it on his bed side table. He stared up at the pitch black ceiling. As he fell asleep, Sirius concluded that he was never going to get over his crush on Remus.

_And if you're going, take the moon_

_Then maybe I will see you, in the night I'll see you_

_And when you go, take this heart_

_I'll make no more use of it when there's no more you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song at the beginning and end is happy by mitski  
> all poems mentioned are by sylvia plath


	3. Lunch in the Library

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus have lunch, heavy on the dialogue

_If you would let me give you pinky promise kisses_

_Then I wouldn't have to scream your name atop of every roof in the city of my heart_

_If I could see you_

_Once more to see you_

February 9 2019

Sirius' brain was a mush of excitement leading up to his lunch rendezvous with Remus. Sirius was working on his album and he noticed that his brain would get distracted as he struggled to write. His words on his paper would trail off to Remus. Free writing about the boy with dusty brown hair. Sirius would realize what he was doing and scold himself, focusing back in on scoring his lyrics.

Sirius woke up around eleven that Friday. He decided it would be best to shower before seeing Remus, he didn't want to look like a slob, even if it was just lunch in the university library. Sirius spent time on his hair, making sure it was laying just right. He swiped on some smudged eyeliner and worked around his apartment, gathering what he needed. He took a bag and placed his copy of _The Colossus_ in it. He wanted to talk to Remus about it, get his opinions, pick his brain.

Remus seemed very smart, it honestly intimidated Sirius. He had always been interested in guys who were a bit on the dull side, not that interesting. In truth, he would have preferred an interesting partner, but he could never find that kind of man. He was always the interesting one within the couple. Not the other way around. Sirius was a musician- a rock star, everyone else was simple. But Remus, he was not simple.

Remus was poetry and corduroy. Remus was books and philosophy. Remus was unavailable and a bad decision.

The walk to the University library was quick and cold. The flurry of snow came down on Sirius, dusting his leather jacket and grey scarf with white crystalline water. His cheeks pinked in comparison to the cold. He climbed the stone stairs to the large library a head of him with haste. The anticipation of seeing Remus rose in his chest, and Sirius realized that Remus was the first person in a long time to make him nervous. 

He dug into his bag, searching for his phone.

 **Sirius:** hey i just got here

 **Remus:** im in the third floor Shakespeare section

 **Sirius:** omw up :)

Sirius shoved his phone into his pocket and walked towards the elevator in the back of the library. He pressed the small button with an arrow pointing upwards and it lit up orange. Sirius tapped his finger against his thigh nervously. There was a chime and the elevator doors opened. Sirius stepped in and pressed the button with a big block _3_ on it. The elevator had the library scent, paper and ink. There was the underlying smell of cleaner that mixed with the comfort of parchment. Sirius couldn't remember the last time he was in a library.

What James had said was right, Sirius hadn't picked up a book since third year. At least not one that he wanted to read for _fun_. Again, Sirius found himself blaming his parents. The Black family was deep into high education and old money, something that Sirius now resented. He decided very early on in his childhood that he didn't _want_ to make his parents proud. At times, perhaps he needed to, to protect himself. But when Sirius had the chance to make a decision his parents had no control over, he would take it.

The elevator chimed again and the silvery, reflective doors opened slowly, revealing the third floor. Sirius walked towards the help desk, unsure of how to get to the Shakespeare section in the maze of the library. He smiled when he saw the girl sitting in front of the ancient computer. Lily's back was turned to Sirius as he walked towards the her. He placed his hands on the cool glass of the large desk. It was a half circle shape that was tall, reaching just below Sirius' chest.

"Lily-flowerrr," Sirius chimed in a sing-song drawn out voice.

Lily spun around on her tall rolling chair, her flaming hair whipping around, spreading color through the air "Sirius!" Lily exclaimed before pressing her fingers to her mouth, realizing she had jut shouted in the library. "What can I help you with, fine sir?"

Sirius rested his chin on his hands, looking up at Lily's smiling face, "I'm looking for the Shakespeare section."

Lily widened her eyes and pushed her smile a bit wider, as if she knew something that Sirius did not. She leaned forward slightly and looked Sirius dead in the eyes, making him break into a wide grin, "It's just towards your right, follow the book shelves towards the back. Why are you all of a sudden so interested in Shakespeare?"

Sirius cold cheeks were still pink from the winter weather, so Lily did not see him blush, "Just a bit of light reading."

"Ah," Lily sat up right and leaned back into her chair, "Well tell your light reading that his lunch break is over in 30. I'm not picking up extra time for him."

Sirius laughed and started towards the Shakespearean literature and Remus. Lily sent him a wink and he waved a hand at her, as if to shoo off her suggestions. He walked back through the tall book cases, letting himself become engulfed in the familiarity of a library. It was quiet, practically no one was around considering it was the middle of the day on a college campus.

Sirius turned into a little alcove. A three walled section of Shakespeare plays and Remus was sitting in the middle, on the ground, a book and a notepad displayed in front of him. Sirius cleared his throat, "Hi."

Remus looked up and his lips curled up into a half smile, "Hey."

"Lily told me to tell you that your lunch break is over in 30, and I quote, she's 'not picking up extra time'," Sirius smiled down at Remus, watching as he packed up his materials.

Remus stood to his feet, stretching back into his 6 inches taller than Sirius. He looked down at Sirius and reached his hand up to stroke Sirius' cheek, "Was it cold out?" Remus took his hand and put it in his pocket, leaving Sirius' cheek feeling bare.

"Yeah, it was," Sirius felt his face adjusting from the cold, becoming warm from Remus' now gone touch.

"Should we go?" Remus started walking, and of course Sirius followed, despite not knowing where Remus was taking him.

Sirius muttered an agreement and began trailing after the sandy haired poet. Remus guided Sirius towards another book section- history. The area was large and filled with various books. He walked past all of them, taking Sirius to a door in the back left corner of the room with an _Employees Only_ sign on it. Remus pushed open the brown door to reveal a small closet sized room with a metal spiral staircase, at the top there was a small trap door. Remus was more adventurous than Sirius had anticipated.

"Are we allowed to be up here?" Sirius asked, with a smile.

Remus looked down at him from a few silver steps a head of Sirius, "I thought you were a rock star. Too scared to break the rules?"

Sirius laughed, "No no, I just didn't expect a scholar like yourself to be so willing to be rebellious."

Remus turned back to the steps, pressing a hand on the wood trap door, "You say that like I'm some terrible stick in the mud. I'm quite bloody fun actually."

"I'm sure you are," Sirius smiled at this, watching as Remus pushed himself through the hole in the ceiling. Sirius reached the top of the steps, following Remus' example on how to get into the room above them. He stood and wiped the dust off of his pants.

"Welcome to my secret room," Remus said, extending his hands as if to display it to Sirius.

Sirius looked up, pushing his dark hair out of his face to see what Remus was trying to show him. They were standing in a sun-lit attack. The light poured through out the huge windows, highlighting specks of floating dust in the air. The clock from the front of the Library displayed backwards hands on to the wood flooring. There were boxes behind them, labeled "fiction books" or "cleaning supplies". A hammock sat on the opposite side of the room, sun light hitting it perfectly. There was a blanket laid out in front of it and a crate filled with books, a speaker, and cigarettes.

"Whoa," Sirius breathed out.

"No one ever comes up here," Remus said walking towards the picnic blanket, reaching down to the crate to grab his pack of cigarettes, "so I kind of took over."

Sirius walked over to the clock, it stood taller than him now that he was up close. He peered through the beige glass, stained over the years, and peered out on to the campus below. He could see the specks of students moving from one lecture to another, the green quad, and the speeding cars, "This is wicked."

"It's nothing really," Remus said, puffing out smoke. Sirius moved towards him, settling himself on to the blanket. Remus followed him, situating himself into a comfortable position, knocking his knees against Sirius' as he crossed his legs. He reached into his messenger bag and pulled out a sandwich, motioning for Sirius to get out his own lunch.

"Thanks for inviting me to eat lunch with you," Sirius said, stabbing the lettuce of his salad with a plastic fork.

Remus worked around a bite of food, "It's no problem, really, wanted to talk to you about Plath's work anyway."

A common ground, Sirius thought. Perhaps Remus was trying to find something that the two of them could talk about, something they both knew about.

"Well," Sirius swallowed, "I finished the collection, of poems that is."

"Good, I'm glad my recommendation was worth it. Her novel, the Bell Jar, is good too," Remus was already half way done with his sandwich.

"I've found that she talks about the moon a lot," Sirius said, trying to sound smart. He found that he really had to try at that, it never came naturally. As much as Sirius did his best to keep up the appearance of nonchalance, with the prep-school education and his poise, Sirius was constantly trying. He found it oppressive, to a point, how difficult everything was for him. Maybe he just had high expectations of himself and he was actually doing just fine after all. Is it possible for one to adapt their parents expectations of them? Even when they resented their parents for it?

"That's one of my favorite things about her work," Remus said, "her repeated imagery. All of my favorite poems of hers mention the moon."

"I liked the one poem you read- what was it called- um Love Poem of-" Sirius searched for the name in his memories.

" _Mad Girls Love Song_ ," Remus said before taking a bite of his sandwich.

"Yeah that was it," Sirius took a sip from his water. He watched as Remus chewed his food and a speck of mustard planted itself just under his lower lip. He wanted to reach out and wipe it from Remus' face.

"That is one of my all time favorite poems," Remus commented. He took another bite of his sandwich, the blotch of condiment did not budge. Sirius thought of what would happen if he willed himself to touch Remus, his eyes lingered on his lower lip.

"I keep thinking back to that one line," Sirius' hands twitched, "It was something like: _I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed, sung me moon-struck_ -"

" _kissed me quite insane,_ " Remus finished. Sirius felt his fingers stir and his eyes linger and he could not bare it any longer.

"You've just got-" Sirius reached his hand out, his fingers anticipating collision. He had taken a leap of faith, but Remus' hands were much faster, more agile. He swiftly moved to grab Sirius' wrist, his warmth less than an inch away. Sirius felt the press of Remus' calloused thumb into the palm of his hand. Remus held his fingers around the thin, bird like, bones of his wrist. Sirius felt regret pool in the pit of his stomach. His eyes darted back and forth between Remus'. Sirius pulled his hand away and looked down at the half eaten salad in his lap. "Sorry."

Remus looked sad, almost, like a puppy. He quickly wiped the mustard from his lip, "No wait, I'm sorry. You just surprised me. I didn't mean-" He reached out and set his hand softly over Sirius'. "I'm sorry, it was an overreaction."

"It's fine," Sirius promised. Remus lightly stroked his knuckles and Sirius felt his stomach flip. He did not want Remus to move his hand away. But he knew that he had to say something. To convince Remus that it truly was alright. "I get jumpy too, it really is fine."

Remus looked at him for a moment, as if he was weighing his options. He looked down at his watch and then back up at Sirius, "My break is almost over, I should get back."

"Right, right. Of course." Sirius stood, offering his hand back to Remus, to help him off the floor. He hesitated a moment before taking Sirius' hand.

"Thanks," Remus said with a tight smile. He smoothed his pants.

"No problem," Sirius started towards the hatch door. "I'll, uh, call you, or text. I'll reach out."

Remus followed Sirius back down the metal spiral steps, "Please do."

They exited the closet style room and said a quick, slightly awkward, goodbye. Sirius waved to Lily at the help desk and hurried out of the stone library.

As Sirius walked back to his flat, he allowed his mind to swim. The yearning hurt his head, made him tired. Why did he have to feel so strongly towards Remus? He played the scene back in his head. The feeling of Remus' strong grip, he held on tightly to Sirius. Sirius wished that Remus' hands would have been there for different reasons, whether it be gentle or not. He wished for Remus. But it was no use, no wish would have made Remus single. No wish would have made him available. No wish would have made him want Sirius.

Sirius walked towards the elevator of his flat complex. He stepped in and absentmindedly pressed the button to the third floor, straight to James. He needed to talk to him, he had to. He wanted his best friend. Why was he feeling so strung up on a little misunderstanding? Heat rose in his face and his eyes pricked with embarrassment.

The elevator opened with a ding and Sirius walked, with out thinking, into James and Lily's apartment. The shower was running, Sirius could hear it.

"Prongs?" He shouted.

"Pads is that you?" James called back from his bathroom.

"Yeah," Sirius walked to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water, "Sorry for barging in, I just needed to talk."

Sirius heard the clatter of James rushing to shut the water off. He whipped the shower curtain open, banging the hooks, metal against metal. James tripped out into the living room, pulling his sweatpants on. His wet hair dripped into his face and on to his strong shoulders. Sirius sighed with relief and laughed slightly.

"Hi. I'm here," James looked serious and focused. When he caught sight of Sirius, his face softened. "Twat. Thought you might've been, uh, ya know..."

"Having an episode," Sirius finished. "No, I haven't had one of those in a while."

"Ok," James tried to look comforting. He was good at that, being there for people. "What do you need to talk about? You're lunch with Remus?"

"Yeah, actually. I was-" Sirius stopped and looked at James, who was smiling widely. "How did you-? Mrs Prongs."

"Lily texted me right after she saw you," James laughed. "How was it? And why did I not know that you _liked_ Remus?"

Sirius ran his hands through his hair, "Ugh, nothing is going to happen so I didn't say anything. And it was nice, mostly."

"Mostly?" James raised a brow, walking towards the full coffee pot.

Sirius sighed, "It was good, until the end. He had mustard, I think, on his lip and I reached to," Sirius motioned to show that he had intended to swipe his thumb along Remus' lower lip. "He grabbed my hand before I could touch him. He apologized a lot, and that was it."

James nodded along and drew in a sharp breath, "That was- yeah- that was risky."

"I know," Sirius said quietly. "I don't know why I tried. He has a girlfriend. I don't even know if he's gay."

"Could be bi," James suggested.

"But I still don't know."

"Do you think-" James paused for a moment. "Do you think that there's any way he feels the same way."

"I'd like to think he does," Sirius said. He really did. Sirius felt his phone ringing in his back pocket. He pulled it out, bringing it to his ear.

"Hello?"

" _Is this Sirius Black?_ " The voice of the other end of the phone was deep and rough.

"This is him," Sirius said eyeing James.

" _It's Tom Murphy. Down at Leaky Cauldron._ "

Sirius sat up quickly. This was it, "Yes, I called you guys a few weeks ago." Sirius elbowed James who looked up from his coffee.

" _I'm calling to schedule you in. We have already had a few musicians play and I looked into your music. You sound good kid. I'd love to have you preform._ " 

"That sounds great!" Sirius covered the receiver so that Tom couldn't hear him. _I got the gig,_ he mouthed towards James. James eyes lit up and he smiled.

" _The 17th work for you?_ "

"Yes," Sirius looked towards James again. "The 17th is perfect."

"Alright see you then," There was some rustling on the other end, and the line went dead.

Sirius set his phone down and smiled to himself, "I got it. I got the gig."

_So come inside and be with me_

_Alone with me_

_Alone with me_

_Alone_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song at the beginning and end is Once More to See You by Mitski


End file.
